Letters

Dear Cafeteria,

I have often wondered about your ability to keep things fresh. Each day when I come in and poke your bagels with a pair of tongs I shake my head in disgust.

People don't like to eat rocks.

Even with cream cheese.

Hungrily,

She Who Brings Her Own Bagels To Work Now

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Dear papasan chair,

I WANT to be in love with you. However, I was under the impression that you would arrive NOT smelling like cat piss. Tomorrow you are in for it because I plan to borrow my coworker's carpet shampooer and really give you a run for your money. This is your chance to prove yourself.

(I really do think you are the most comfortable chair I have ever sat in.)

Love (after tomorrow),

The girl whose butt you will be sick of

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Dear Cake Boss,

You are AMAZING. I wish I could stay up late enough to watch your show every week but alas, I catch it later OnDemand. You make me hungry. You and your "fondont" and your "modeling chocolate" and your incredible edible sugar flowers... If I were a rich woman, you would do my wedding cake. And it would be amazing, too.

An awed fan

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Dear Patient Accounts,

WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! We have spelled it out for you! It cannot BE explained any easier! WE DO NOT HAVE THE RECORDS! YOU NEED TO CALL THE PEOPLE WHO DO!

Agitated STILL,

McKayKay, Crickey, Scooby and Triscuit
(Mikaila, Stephanie, Caleb and Stephen)

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Dear ergonomic chair people,

I am sorry that I cursed you out when, in fact, my boss had lied to me about ever ORDERING my chair. I knew it wouldn't take you that long to deliver.

I hope to be hearing from you soon,

Too Trusting of Her Boss

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Dear Home Health Nurse,

You really shouldn't use the words "frosting" and "butt" in the same breath. Even when you're talking about the thickness with which to apply bedsore cream.

Just don't.

Laughing,

Caregiver